41 Stupid Things to Do in a Men's Public Restroom

41 Stupid Things to Do in a Men's Public Restroom

1. Introduce yourself to the guy at the next urinal.

2. Turn the light off while stalls are occupied.

3. Order a pizza. (This works great in bars that allow outside food deliveries. Call back the pizza parlor thirty minutes after you place your order, giving them plenty of time to start delivering the pizza, and tell them you can be found in the last stall in the men's bathroom. Refuse to leave until you get your pizza.)

4. Stick your head over an occupied stall and ask for the time.

5. Tell people that they're on TV. Point to some random spot on the far wall and ask them to "smile for the camera".

6. Lie down across all the sinks and pretend to be passed out.

7. Use a stopwatch to time people going to the bathroom. Cheer them on to encourage good performance.

8. Hold your hand in front of a hand dryer while someone's using it.

9. Pour a bucket of water over an occupied stall.

10. Grab someone's ass really hard while they're using a urinal, and see how far you can get before they catch you.

11. Guard the paper towel dispenser in the name of the Earth Liberation Front.

12. Say to the guy at the next urinal: "This is the best part about being gay."

13. Say, "Huh, that's funny. I don't remember eating asparagus."

14. Turn off the faucet while someone's washing their hands. Repeat.

15. Pee on someone's leg and tell them it's raining.

16. Offer to blow-dry other people's hands with your mouth to save energy.

17. Point at someone's crotch while they're using a urinal and yell, "Ha ha, your fly is down!"

18. Put on a hand puppet show underneath the stall next to you.

19. Complain about the size of your penis.

20. While inside the bathroom, ask where the nearest bathroom is. After you've received a puzzled look or response, reply, "I'm not looking for a toilet, you moron, I'm looking for a bathroom. Haven't you ever taken a bath? Apparently not. No wonder it smells like shit in here."

21. Demand to know where the glory holes are.

22. Walk up behind someone who's using a urinal and wrap his head in toilet paper.

23. Ask a friend to help you stage a live audio performance of a violent mugging for your unwitting audience inside the stalls. Make sure the final line of dialogue is, "You come out of there and I'll blow your fucking head off."

24. Inside a stall, pretend to be talking to a young child, "That's right Johnny, remember what I told you about unzipping your fly? Oh, now look what you did!" Then slap your hands twice and make crying noises.

25. Hang a realistic dummy from a noose inside one of the stalls as a wacky surprise for the next visitor.

26. Knock on the stall next to you and say, "Do you have enough toilet paper in there? I got plenty if you need some."

27. Put up a sign above the sink that says "Did you remember to wipe?"

28. Put up a sign that says, "This is the legally required 'Employees must wash hands' sign which we disregard on a daily basis."

29. Put up a sign that says "Caution: please do not use toilets."

30. Fill the liquid soap containers with motor oil.

31. Have (mobile) phone sex while standing at a urinal.

32. Smear peanut butter on a piece of toilet paper, drop it between stalls, and curse yourself for being clumsy.

33. Flash people standing just outside the bathroom door. Tell them that you've finally "found the loophole".

34. Pump soap for people, give out paper towels, and demand tips.

35. Wear a camera around your neck and offer to take people's photos for money.

36. When the bathroom is empty, get down on your hands and knees and hold your face over one of the urinals. Wait in that position until someone enters the bathroom. Act as if you're embarrassed to be caught.

37. See how long you can do a raspberry inside one of the stalls before someone asks you if you're alright.

38. Whisper, "Now spread your legs, honey. Oh yeah, that's it."

39. Drop a small, unclothed, plastic baby doll in a toilet, along with an ample supply of red food coloring.

40. Identify people who have not washed their hands. Follow them out of the bathroom and publicly announce this fact.

41. Congratulate yourself aloud on a job well done.